acid reflects

Sorry, Jlo. This is not your ticket to the Oscars.

The latest version of the acclaimed novel Kiss of the Spider Woman would sit well as a streaming weekend special at home. It’s not big enough to warrant a premium screen, but good enough for the couch. No Oscars for this musical, either.

Director Bill Condon (Chicago, Dreamgirls, Gods and Monsters) teamed up with acclaimed writer Terrence McNally (RIP+) to adapt the award-winning 1976 novel by Argentine playwright Manuel Puig and the 1990s West End and Broadway stage musical (John Kander music, Fred Ebb lyrics) to the big screen. The result is… okay.

The stage is small and the screen is small in Condon’s adaptation of the story of two prisoners in 1970s Argentina who form a bond through fantasies of Hollywood musicals. (The 1985 film is set in Brazil.)

SLIGHT SPOILERS AHEAD for those unfamiliar with the stage musical, the novel source material, and/or the 1985 dramatic film directed by Hector Babenco.

Luis Molina (Tonatiuh), a gay window dresser convicted of public indecency, is thrown into the prison cell occupied by political activist Valentin Arregui (Diego Luna).

At first, Valentin is curious about Molina’s incarceration, but finds the chatty Molina interruptive of his daily scholarly routine. There is a short discussion about the fascism that has engulfed the country, juxtaposing political struggles against Valentin’s gender struggles. Yes, the source material is political.

To escape prison hardships, Molina tells Valentin, he surrenders to fantasy and relives the movies of his favorite film star, Aurora (Jennifer Lopez), in particular, Kiss of the Spider Woman, where Aurora plays the lead role as well as the titular vampiric main villain, whose cursed kiss brings death to the characters of that movie. The Marxist Valentin couldn’t relate to this fantasy and even suggests that Molina should reclaim his manhood. A truce is temporarily declared, and the two spend the night silently in their beds.

The next day, and in the course of several days, Valentin is taken from his cell and tortured by the prison guards for information on the rebels. At this point, I am reminded of Luna’s more significant and recent project as another rebel from far, far away, so I wonder if Luna was typecast for Spider Woman. Each time Valentin is returned to the cell, Molina tends to his wounds and helps him recover. In those instances, Molina, at the request of Valentin, would continue the tale of Aurora and her battle to defeat the Spider Woman. Eventually, Valentin welcomes the stories as the prison abuse gets worse by the day. Molina would gladly oblige, in part to drown out the screams from prisoners in other cells, in part because he has seen Valentin suffer for his beliefs, not too different from his own struggles. Thus, a bond is established between the two, based on the tale of this superstar and her poisonous twin.

In truth, however, Molina was planted by the prison warden to spy on Valentin, on the promise of immediate parole so Molina could return to his sick mother. Valentin never finds out about this, except on Molina’s parole day, when the warden suddenly decides to free Molina. Believing that the two have grown close enough for Valentin to plant information to Molina, the warden signs off on Molina’s parole but puts a watch on him. Before Molina could leave Valentin, he finishes Aurora’s tale, and the two consummate their found affection. Unfortunately, it’s not a happy ending for Molina.

Over the course of this review, you may have noticed that the summary revolved around Valentin and Molina, and hardly any mention of Aurora or the Spider Woman. In fact, the story does revolve around Molina even more than Valentin. Which is to say, Aurora, as a device, served to propel Molina’s and Valentin’s developing bond with each other, as well as the device that visualized Molina’s emotional journey.

In other words, Lopez, no matter how good her singing and dancing were, was playing a fictional character in a movie musical within a movie, and her portrayals of both the diva actress and the spider woman were limited to mimicking how the actors acted onscreen during that era of Hollywood musicals. Was it good? Yes. Was it great? No. By default, the actual story was not Aurora in her fictional world, but Molina in his prison cell. With some luck, this film could snag a support nomination for JLo in the Globes, under Comedy/Musical. The Oscars don’t have that category, and Aurora isn’t compelling enough to stand out.

Similarly, Condon’s stagey adaptation of the prison, the prison cell, and the fictional world of Aurora are too small for today’s 4K audience. Except for the few exteriors of the prison yard and of downtown Buenos Aires, most everything looked flat. felt small or sounded as if the songs were one note shy of being a showstopper. Big or small, there were no wow scenes, no Cell Block Tango from Chicago, or no emotional highlight like the Waltz for Evita and Che (there were attempts, though, towards Spider Woman’s end, but clearly far from the calibre of those two other musicals.)

In hindsight, casting Spider Woman was already handicapped with a star such as Jennifer Lopez on board. Could not cast a lead actor bigger in the marquee than JLo, yet required enough gravitas for the role that won William Hurt (RIP) an Oscar in 1986. Tonatiuh gave this his all, but somehow, those imaginary scenes with Aurora may have influenced face acting occasionally displayed throughout the film. Luna may have been cast for awards legitimacy, but like I said, this is Molina’s story. But really, Andor, again?

There is one musical number that I think soared. It is when the Spider Woman visits Molina in his dream and tempts him to take the kiss to end his suffering. I believe the song is A Visit.

Maybe there are fans of the musical out there who would enjoy the film a lot more than I did. I’m quite certain, though, that no spider woman will be visiting me in my dreams after this review.

Kiss of the Spider Woman was brought to Philippine theaters exclusively by Ayala Malls Cinemas starting October 15.